Wednesday, October 3, 2007

A little rambling...

Here goes nothing...keep your expectations low,I'm not here to impress, just release and let go...

I haven't posted in quite some time, and I'm not entirely sure why. The whole blog thing began for me "because everyone else was doing it"! Sad to admit, I know, but that's my truth. The blog thing can be really scary at times, because it can show a part of me that I may or may not be ready to share, or maybe its the fact that by letting others read what I write, lets them see a little bit of me. Granted, one's blog can be can be as impersonal as you want it to be, but anyone who knows me, REALLY knows me, is aware that I am anything but impersonal. Therefore, nor can my blog. So what I write, be it far and few between, comes directly from the heart. I don't' write just to add a post or to "participate" or to appease readers, or to be a sheep (even though that is where it began). I write to release my emotions, to connect, to find myself. Which is actually kind of funny when you look at my blog because, truth be told, my writings rarely end up posted. Most of my writings are chicken scratched on paper, mused over for a bit, and then thrown away. I guess a piece of me feels that if I write it down, absorb it, accept it, and then discard it, it will help me to come to terms. Maybe even help me deal with it better. Does it really work? **shrugs** I don't know. I think so and I guess that is all that really counts. If I can just sit here and write with out thinking about WHAT I am writing (like right now), it's a way to release, escape. I usually feel better after writing what reels through my mind. Keyword being "usually". Sometimes I feel worse than when I began because of pure realization of my emotions and/or actions.

As I write this I go back and forth as to whether or not I will actually post this , but, I guess if you are reading this now, you know what my decision was and I decided to let you in, just a little bit. Letting people in is HUGE for me. Not just anyone gets that birds eye view, only those near and dear will get to see the REAL me...but here is where you will find bits and pieces of me...good...bad...ugly...all of the above! Part of the reason blogging scares me is because it opens me up to judgment and ridicule . Which in all honesty, terrifies me. My heart cares too much of what others think of me to subject my self to that. However, I also know that this can make me stronger. What is that saying? The things that don't kill you, only make you stronger? Hmmmm...well blogging will not kill me, so I press on =)

"Tenderness and Kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution. ~~Kahlil Gibran

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