Self Discovery

I see it all the time. People who put up these walls of defense to protect themselves from getting hurt by others. They refuse to get close to anyone, they are usually loners. Never in a million years would I have categorized myself there. I love people. I love interacting and making people smile and laugh. Knowing I made someone happy puts me on top of the world.

I've come into a harsh reality that I do fall into this very lonely group of people. I warm up to people really fast because I truly do enjoy people. I love to learn differences, quirks, likes and dislikes about music, movies, books...everything. It's especially enjoyable when I find similarities between us.

Then as I get closer I begin to question things. I don't have enough confidence in myself to understand why this wonderful person has any interest in me. That sooner or later they will realize I'm not worth the attention and leave. So the questioning and my insecurities slowly push them away until one day they are just gone. Of course, during the "phase out" I blame them, even though it has nothing to do with them. In the end, I blame myself, always, and apologize up and down. Hoping to get another chance. Too late.

I tell myself they are better off with out me and they will be happier. Meanwhile, I have a gaping hole in my heart from the loss. That feeling like you can't breathe, that you've lost a part of yourself, and wonder if you will ever feel happy again. After the damage is done, I realized that I was wrong. Those very people that I pushed away, I needed. Had they not thought I was worth it, they never would have bothered in the first place. Unfortunately, all realized too late.

What I do realize is that I don't want to be in that group of people anymore. It's lonely. It's depressing and horrible. Even though I wear my heart on my sleeve, and doing so is always prone to heart ache, the process of protection isn't worth the pain it causes to those that befriend me, to those I deeply care about.

Why is it so difficult for me to believe that I am a likeable person? I don't know. If I could answer that, I wouldn't be writing this post, which I'm hesitant to actually publish, for obvious reasons. I don't even think its about that. If I didn't think I was likeable, I wouldn't put myself out there at all. I would completely hide and not even interject with people. I think its fear of rejection. Perhaps I know that it's fear of rejection. If I push away first, maybe it won't hurt as much. Pain is pain, whether it be now or later. I don't want to be alone. I need to be able to enjoy the moment and see where it goes instead of presuming what may happen.

I will work at this. I will stop from second guessing. I will stop pushing. I will.....for me, and for you. Whoever "you" may be.....