I never really used to dream, or rather, if I did, I never remembered them. If I did happen to remember a dream, it was one that was so far out of this Universe that I couldn't make any sense of it. They would be like a puzzle where each piece was from a different puzzle, impossible to piece together let alone understand what they meant.
For the past several months, more as of late, I've been dreaming the same sort of dream. Each dream is a little bit different but the outcome is always the same. I always wake up crying and terrified to go back to sleep.
It always begins with us being together, happy, having fun. It's always about things we did in the past. The memories that I want to hold on to, that I want to imprint in my memory so that I never ever forget. A memory that you know, with out a doubt, that it actually happened and you remember it happening, not that it's just a story told so many times to you, that you think you remember it happening. I dream of hugging her and telling her I love her and hearing her laugh. I can't forget the sound of her laugh, her voice, I just can't.
That's the good part of the dream, the part that I wish I could dream about every night, because I miss her so much, because it makes me feel that she's still here with me.
It always ends the same. Every time. I can't stop it because in the dream I don't know it's coming. At the end of the dream I am waving goodbye to my mom, watching her drive off, smiling. Then I watch the accident happen. I watch her car collide with a truck and there's nothing I can do but stand there. I can't move. I can't get to her. I can't help her. I just stand there screaming and crying. Knowing that she's gone.....
I can't escape this dream, and part of me doesn't want to because of the good parts. Then part of me is terrified to sleep and wishes that I never had to sleep again. Thinking about it now, makes my chest so tight that I can barely breathe. I am so tired, and I'm so scared. I don't know how much more of that I can take. How many more times will I have to watch it. How many more times will I have to watch her......I can't even say it.
For the past several months, more as of late, I've been dreaming the same sort of dream. Each dream is a little bit different but the outcome is always the same. I always wake up crying and terrified to go back to sleep.
It always begins with us being together, happy, having fun. It's always about things we did in the past. The memories that I want to hold on to, that I want to imprint in my memory so that I never ever forget. A memory that you know, with out a doubt, that it actually happened and you remember it happening, not that it's just a story told so many times to you, that you think you remember it happening. I dream of hugging her and telling her I love her and hearing her laugh. I can't forget the sound of her laugh, her voice, I just can't.
That's the good part of the dream, the part that I wish I could dream about every night, because I miss her so much, because it makes me feel that she's still here with me.
It always ends the same. Every time. I can't stop it because in the dream I don't know it's coming. At the end of the dream I am waving goodbye to my mom, watching her drive off, smiling. Then I watch the accident happen. I watch her car collide with a truck and there's nothing I can do but stand there. I can't move. I can't get to her. I can't help her. I just stand there screaming and crying. Knowing that she's gone.....
I can't escape this dream, and part of me doesn't want to because of the good parts. Then part of me is terrified to sleep and wishes that I never had to sleep again. Thinking about it now, makes my chest so tight that I can barely breathe. I am so tired, and I'm so scared. I don't know how much more of that I can take. How many more times will I have to watch it. How many more times will I have to watch her......I can't even say it.
No comments:
Post a Comment