Pure Innocence...

So lately I have been talking a lot about my new baby niece. I just cannot help it. She is just adorable and full of sweetness and she just makes me smile, and that's important!!

Today I was holding her while mom got some work done and I just could not stop staring at her. She was awake and happy, just content to look around and wiggle. I talked to her and told her stories. I giggled at her when she made those silly funny faces that babies make. I even laughed out loud when I saw a smile emerge on her face because she is way to young to know she is smiling. Some say its gas..who knows, but she made me laugh.

My father-in-law always used to say how it amazed him how babies ever survive and actually grow up. In a way, he had a point. They are so completely dependent upon you for everything and their only means of communication is crying and then you have to figure out what it is that they need. The entire process is quite amazing.

At one point I caught myself lost in thought as I stared at her. Realizing how lucky she was. Completely unaware, innocent. She doesn't know unhappiness, anger, loneliness, any of those hurtful feelings. Of course I'm not saying that I would want to revert back to being an infant, but to not know these feelings, even for one day, would be worth its weight in gold.

Anyway, I just had to brag a bit more about Madison, so I will bid you goodbye and leave you with a picture of her cuteness.

Lazy

Going back to work after a holiday is never fun. A nice long weekend is always great but going back is the most dreaded. Today wasn't quite so bad for me because I knew that I had the rest of the week off and was going to be on a plane to nice, wonderful, warm Arizona tomorrow. Despite the fact that I was an hour late to work because I put my lazy behind back to bed this morning, today was a pretty good day.

So lunchtime rolls around, right? I'm starvig because I hadn't eaten anything all day (because I was late I didn't have time to grab anything) and its just after 1 p.m. I run (ok, no I drove..giggles..) through the drive thru of the nearest trusty McDonalds to satisfy the craving for a Big Mac. I get to the window to get my food and they ask me to "pull up" as it will be a few minutes. OK. No problem. I pull up and park, turn up the radio and wait. I happen to glance over at a few guys getting into their car (no that is not why I was looking..sheesh..). Next thing I know, the driver takes his bag and what I would assume to be an old drink and set it on the ground beside him. Dude!! There is a trash can right in front of your car!! So this really pisses me off because he was just too lazy to get back out of his car to throw it away and thought it better to litter up the parking lot and Mother Earth. Grrrrr...

So because this bothered me so much, I got OUT of my car (still waiting for my food), walked up to the car, knocked on their window, picked up the trash and proceeded to throw it away. The guy rolls down his window and just stares. I brush my hands together as I walk back by and say, "See how easy that was?" All he could muster was, "Umm, thanks.". I think he was a bit embarrassed. Damn straight he should be!!
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't usually go and make a habit of doing things like that with all the crazies out there, but that was just plain stupid and lazy. Is it really that difficult to throw something away to help preserve what little left we have of a healthy environment? Some people this day and age just don't care.

So lets all do our part and throw away our own trash? Thanks =)

Invisible

I look out the window and watch as the rain falls.
The water trickles down the window glass,
Just as the tears stream down my face.

I sit and wonder how I got here.
Here, a place of sadness and loneliness.
Here, a place of hurt and melancholy.

You walk by without a second look.
Not a care or a wonder of why I hurt.
To you I am invisible.

Just reach out your hand and touch my heart.
Take my hand in yours with fingers interlocked.
Wipe away my tears and tell me you still care.

I sit and watch the clouds streak by.
They move fast and furiously along,
Just as my emotions rush through me.

I sit and wonder how I got here.
Here, a place of dysphoria and misery.
Here, a place of heartache and sorrow.

Today is almost over and tomorrow is yet to come.
The sun will rise and the sun will set,
But as tomorrow comes, I will still be invisible.

Tell me I can be happy again.
Tell me that everything will be alright.
Tell me that I won’t always feel alone.

Do you choose to be happy?

This was in my email today....

"The good things in life do not create happiness. The good things in life arise from happiness. If you wish to be happy, then be happy. It really is as simple as that. There's no need to wait until you acquire this or achieve that. If you constantly place conditions on happiness, you'll prevent yourself from experiencing it. Go ahead and be happy now, today, this very moment. Be happy for no reason at all, and you'll find that you're more effective, more productive, more creative and more fulfilled. Indeed, happiness is a powerful state of mind that is available to you when you allow it to be. The best reason to be happy is because you can. Being genuinely happy is a powerful way to express your confidence and your expectation that positive things will happen. And when you confidently expect the best, that's precisely what you get." -- Ralph Marston

As I read this I wonder, "is it really that easy?" I really don't think so, at least not for me. I don't believe that it just takes a snap of your fingers and all of a sudden your happy again. Sure, you can choose to either let something get the best of you or you can choose to deal with it, shake it off, and move on so you can be happy again.

My happiness depends so much on the happiness of others, sometimes I think too much. I'd rather the ones around me be happy than to wish for my own. That's not a bad thing, but after a while it takes its toll when you set aside your own joy. It takes it's toll when those around you recognize this character trait and take advantage. They take more than they give. In most cases they don't even realize they do it. Even so, it doesn't change how I am and it won't change the fact that I will always reach out to those that need it. If I can bring a bit of joy to them, that pleases me.

So back to the original question. Do you choose to be happy? I guess I've come to the conclusion that its just not that simple in all cases. Depends on what the world throws at you. I believe you can choose how to handle the situation which will directly affect your mood. In some cases I suppose it can be as simple as saying I choose to be happy, to not let your self get down, of course, but in most cases its more complex than the excerpt above leads you to believe. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for happiness, I prefer it actually. Especially after these last few weeks. Its just sometimes its not that black and white.

~~Ciao~~

One step at a time...

Everyday at work there is a woman in our office that sends out a daily motivation, if you choose to be on the mailing list. To be quite honest, I've been on this mailing list for over 5 years now and I barely ever read these. I just don't have the time. I get to work in the morning, open up my email, which is flooded, even though I cleaned it out the night before I left work, just to repeat the process. So usually what happens is that it gets lost in the shuffle of the "important" emails and just gets deleted. I know I shouldn't delete them, because the whole purpose for them to be sent out is to offer motivation, right? So, today I decided to read it. Who knows why because I had just been out for 6 days so my email box was over the top. Its funny though, I had six of them in my in bin but I only read todays. I am so glad I did because it really hit home and I wanted to share it with you.

"What it takes to persist...

You already have what it takes to persist. For persistence is nothing more than continuing to do what you've been doing.

Persistence makes the difference between no achievement and great achievement. And persistence is available to all who choose it.

The enemy of persistence is that little voice you hear in your head that urges you to give up. When you hear that voice, remember that you don't have to do what it says, and you don't have to fight it either.

Just listen to that voice, allow it to have its say, and then calmly let it go. Keep on going and you'll quickly be beyond it.

Remember often, with great detail and passion, why you've chosen to do what you're doing. Keep your focus on the goal, and know that by continuing to progress on your journey, one step at a time, you'll get there.

Persistence isn't complicated, and it doesn't require you to uncover some deep, dark, closely guarded secret. You have what it takes if you'll simply choose to do what it takes and persist until the job is done." -- Ralph Marston

My favorite line in all of that, is the part about taking one step at a time and you'll get there. So often we look at the world surrounding us as a complex obstacle course, which in a lot of instances it is. However, if we use this little bit of advice and just take everything one step at a time, we can conquer anything that we put our minds to.

So I leave you with these words to ponder and mull over. Just remember, the next time you have something that you have to accomplish, no matter how large or small, just take one step at a time and you WILL get there.

Until next time.. **blowing kisses**

Happiness Is...

The past eleven days have been some of the saddest days of my life. The sadness in my heart some days has been brutally overwhelming, yet I still keep going. I have to. There are days that I cry so much that my eyes burn by the end of the day, and there are some days that I don't cry at all. That doesn't mean that I don't think about what happened, or that I don't miss my mom, it's just I don't have any tears left sometimes.

I realized yesterday that I have to be more conscious of what I watch on T.V. I love movies, especially comedies and scary tales, but I have always been a sucker for sappy movies, especially the ones that made me cry. Which, normally, is no big deal. Yesterday I was flipping channels and found Stepmom. There really wasn't anything on so I left it there but by the end of that movie I found myself sobbing again, not because of the movie, but because it reminded me of my mom. The faucets ran for a while after that. So lesson learned, no sad movies for me for a bit.

Anyway, I didn't come here to write about more sadness. I came here to write about happiness. I am stopping to think about all the things that made me happy today, instead of all the things that made me sad. We so often dwell on the things that are wrong in our life, that we really need to sit back and appreciate the good things in our lives too. So, be it as it may, here are ten of the things that made me happy today (in no particular order) :

1. The Packers beat the Vikings today 34 -0!! Yes a big FAT zero!! The Vikings have not had a shut out game since 1991 and it was our pleasure to bring that upon them once again!!

2. Even though my little one was sick today, I asked him to go choose a movie that we could watch together. We sat on the couch and cuddled for almost two hours watching Sky High. The movie is questionable, but cuddling with my son was priceless.

3. I worked on my quilt(s) today. It has been sometime so I pulled it all out again and finished 4 blocks. This particular quilt I am working on is actually two quilts, one in light colors and one in dark colors. Its the same pattern, but I was making one for me, and one for my mom. It was going to be done by her birthday in March. This quilt for my mom will still be completed and I believe I will give it to my dad for him to enjoy, on my moms birthday. This made me happy because I knew I was still doing something for my mom that I KNOW she would have loved.

4. I made home made chili tonight, with croissant rolls spread with garlic. Yum. Such a simple pleasure, but it sure warms your blood on a cold day.

5. I went to Wal-Mart and the cashier actually said hello to me and smiled. We even chatted a bit. Let me tell you what a rare occasion that is these days. It was a pleasant surprise.

6. Amazing Race was on tonight. I love that show. It would be the ONLY reality show I would actually participate in. Oh, to see the world...even if in a race!

7. I got ALL my laundry done. Giggles. What a relief!

8. The Lions lost today. This is great for the Packers who are 8 and 1, because the Lions today went 6 and 3. I get to rub that into my dad who is a true Lion fan. Yes, it's ok if you feel sorry for him for that *wink*!! Unfortunately the Bears won, but they are only 4 and 5, so they are STILL behind..which makes me happy!! Woot!!

9. I got to eat Ben and Jerry's Peanut Butter Cup Ice cream...mmmm! I was naughty!

10. My Little Twin always makes me smile. Even in hard times in my life, and even in hers, she always can bring a smile to my face. I am eternally great full for knowing her!! She is the one person in my world that no matter what happens, can always make me happy!

Well, there you have it. Ten things that may be simple to some, but HUGE for me. These are just a few of the things that made me happy today.

I challenge all of you to write a similar post. You will feel great afterwards and find a smile on your face. One can never smile too much!

Until we meet again....**blowing kisses**

Laughter..

"Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ....
put on a shirt and a button fell off.
I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
~~Rodney Dangerfield~~

I began this post today with a funny quote, only because I needed a laugh today and this quote did just that. I hope it at least made you smile too.

So much sadness has surrounded me these last few days and I know that will not go away but I can choose for it not to consume me completely. The pain and hurt will always be there but sometimes even during the most painful of times, we all need to laugh. So tonight I perused through some funny quotes and stories, had a few laughs and felt a bit better. A part of me feels guilty for smiling, let alone laughing, at a time of loss but sometimes you just need to.

So I leave you with a bit of a clip of British humor from the show Coupling. This is one show that I can always laugh with. Thank you to my friend who introduced me to it. Its one of those shows you either love or hate. I happen to love it and this episode was one of my favorites.

Enjoy.

Five days later...

I sit here, still in one piece, still heartbroken. We just returned home from Michigan. We had left on Saturday to be with my dad and the family and managed the five hour drive home today. It was the longest five days of my life.

Everywhere I went, people kept asking me, "How are you?". Those three little words that I almost never want to hear again. I know that people were just trying to reach out because they cared and wanted to do something, but just was not sure what to do. How do you answer that question at a time like this? How can you truly, openly, and honestly answer that? I'd smile softly, and reply, "I'm doing o.k.". However, I'm not o.k. Not in the least. I am drained; physically and emotionally drained. My body hurts from head to toe from sobbing so hard. I have muscles that hurt that I didn't even know I had. My head throbs. I can be fine one minute and fall into tears the next with out warning. Right now I think any and every emotion there could possibly be, I've felt it in the last 5 days. Is that even possible?

It had been overcast, unbelievably windy, and rainy and we were driving back to the church from the burial. For a brief moment, the sun came out. I just started sobbing because the first thought that came to my head was, 'I see you mom'. I felt that even though she was not with me in a physical world sense, she was still casting sunshine on my face, looking over me, telling me that it will all be o.k. I miss her, terribly. I don't know that I will ever be o.k., at least, not about this, but I know that I will keep going. I will remember her and love her and keep her alive in my heart. Forever.

Collin Raye sings a song called Love Me. It has nothing to do with losing a parent, really, but the very last verse is one that rings true to me and I know my mother loved this song, just as I did.

"If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.
Between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me."

One day I will see her again....

And it all comes tumbling down....

This will probably be the most difficult post I have ever done. So many things have happened over the last few months and just when you think things couldn't get any worse. WHAM!!

Yesterday was the beginning of NaNoWriMo. I had planned to begin last night when I got home from work and complete my daily goal of 1667 words. I realize now, that the plans for my novel have taken a complete turnaround and new meaning.

My world has forever changed as of last night. I get home and was told I needed to call my dad right away. Well, my dad hardly ever calls so right off I was worried. I picked up the phone, dialed the number, to hear him answer in a terrifying voice. A thousand things went through my mind, but not what he was about to tell me.

He asked me if I was sitting down, and I said, "Dad, I'm ok standing. What's wrong?". He says, "NO! Sit down.". I comply. At this point he starts crying and I get really scared. I say, "DAD, what's wrong??". He replies, "Karrie, your mom was in a car accident this morning. A really bad car accident. She didn't make it." The world stopped at that moment. I could not have just heard what he said. There is just no possible way. I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. My body started shaking, sobbing. All that I could do was cry.

Right now I am just numb. I don't know how to feel. I sit and stare thinking that there is no possible way she is gone. That I am just stuck in a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. That I will wake up and she will be there for me to hug again. I know, deep down, that I will never be able to hug her again. I will never hear her laugh again. What I will miss most, is watching my kids with her. She lived 5 hours away and we didn't see as much of each other that we would have liked, but when we did, times were special. My kids adored her. She will forever be in our heart and I will love her forever.

I know now that I cannot sit and write fiction for NaNoWriMo. My mother died on November 1st, the start of NaNoWriMo, so my novel will be for her. Will be about her, about us and the family and our friends. So I never forget. How could I possibly write about anything else?

I love you, Mom! I will miss you. You will forever be in my heart, always on my mind.