Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Five days later...

I sit here, still in one piece, still heartbroken. We just returned home from Michigan. We had left on Saturday to be with my dad and the family and managed the five hour drive home today. It was the longest five days of my life.

Everywhere I went, people kept asking me, "How are you?". Those three little words that I almost never want to hear again. I know that people were just trying to reach out because they cared and wanted to do something, but just was not sure what to do. How do you answer that question at a time like this? How can you truly, openly, and honestly answer that? I'd smile softly, and reply, "I'm doing o.k.". However, I'm not o.k. Not in the least. I am drained; physically and emotionally drained. My body hurts from head to toe from sobbing so hard. I have muscles that hurt that I didn't even know I had. My head throbs. I can be fine one minute and fall into tears the next with out warning. Right now I think any and every emotion there could possibly be, I've felt it in the last 5 days. Is that even possible?

It had been overcast, unbelievably windy, and rainy and we were driving back to the church from the burial. For a brief moment, the sun came out. I just started sobbing because the first thought that came to my head was, 'I see you mom'. I felt that even though she was not with me in a physical world sense, she was still casting sunshine on my face, looking over me, telling me that it will all be o.k. I miss her, terribly. I don't know that I will ever be o.k., at least, not about this, but I know that I will keep going. I will remember her and love her and keep her alive in my heart. Forever.

Collin Raye sings a song called Love Me. It has nothing to do with losing a parent, really, but the very last verse is one that rings true to me and I know my mother loved this song, just as I did.

"If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.
I'll meet you when my chores are through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me.
Between now and then, till I see you again,
I'll be loving you. Love, me."

One day I will see her again....

No comments: